my story.

here's my testimony. it's a long one, but I'd say it's worth the read!

My faith has grown immensely throughout the course of my college experience. Coming into college, I had an idea of what my faith looked like. I thought that I had taken my faith into my own hands, separate from my parents. But looking back, I had no idea as to what growth I had yet to experience. I did not know what it would look like to take my faith into my own hands. But through many difficult experiences, I realized that there was a lot more to a relationship with Christ than I had anticipated.

As a young child, I attended Sunday School every week and sat through the children’s sermons. Not only did I participate in every Christmas program, but I was one of the choir director’s favorites, so I starred in many Christmas programs. My best friend, Erin, was the daughter of the head pastor. I spent countless hours in the church’s parsonage. To the unsuspecting eye, I was on the perfect track to heaven. I was baptized as an infant. I grew up in the Reformed tradition. [We believe in infant baptism and a profession of faith once you have accepted Jesus Christ into your heart as your Lord and Savior.] My great grandfather was the founding president of a well-known Christian college, Dordt College. By all the marks, I should have had no issue accepting Christ into my heart.

But that’s the catch! We do not earn our salvation. We are not granted salvation based upon the works that we have done. Rather, we are gifted salvation. We are shown such immense mercy, grace, and love. In order to achieve salvation, we are to engage in a relationship with Jesus Christ. We are to accept Him as our Lord and Savior. Accepting that the only way that we can ever receive salvation is through Jesus Christ. We read in Ephesians 2:8-9, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” I listened to this verse in sixth grade Sunday school, memorizing it and reciting it every Sunday for three weeks. Every time we memorized and recited a verse, we were able to go visit Harry’s candy container. Harry had the best candy. There were orange slices, laffy taffy, jolly ranchers, among many of the options - every sixth graders dream! Rather than absorbing and learning this message that I was reciting, I accepted it at face value and moved on through my life.

While in middle school youth group, I was afforded many opportunities to go on mission trips. One rip that was particularly impactful for me was the Urban Plunge trip, following my eighth grade year. Urban Plunge was a trip designed to get church groups into inner city areas and spread the love of Christ. As many come away from trips saying, I felt as though I was impacted more than I impacted others. We met a man, Robert, who lived in a shack in the midst of some trees near downtown Des Moines. Robert had such an incredible impact on my life. I expected him to be discouraged and suffering from depression. Rather, he was joyful. Robert had such an incredible and inspiring amount of faith. His relationship with God seemed to be so pure, so freeing. Robert was able to focus on God because he was not distracted by the ways of the world. Robert’s lifestyle did not inspire me to give up all that I had in order to live in a shack, but it did inspire me to seek out a relationship with God. Robert seemed so free. I wanted that same experience, I wanted the security in God that he seemed to have. I was not alone in this desire. Several of the girls in my youth group also felt this way. After we returned from Urban Plunge, we enrolled in the Profession of Faith class. Throughout this class, we discussed what it meant to accept Christ into our hearts. Many questions were asked both of us and of the teacher. Deb, the teacher, patiently received and explained all questions that we had. After attending a certain amount of sessions, we were to go in front of the deacons and the elders. During our meeting with the deacons and elders, the group of us girls were to explain what it was that lead us to make the decision. Tears flowing abundantly, each girl took the time to explain that we had felt the overwhelming peace and love that surrounds a relationship with God.

Looking back on that conversation now, I can’t help but laugh. The deacons and elders in that room must have been chuckling at our naivety. The six of us girls were only in eighth grade, many of us had not experienced anything overly difficult in life. We had no idea what it meant to give our lives to Christ. But we were ready to learn. Then in the following months, one by one, we stood in front of the congregation and accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior. Little did we know the winding path that we were about to embark on.

After I made Profession of Faith, I changed very little in my life. I prayed as I saw necessary. Back then, what I deemed necessary was approximately once a week. I prayed for the people around me who were sick or hurting. I prayed, as every good teenage girl does, for the boy I had a crush on to PLEASE like me back. I continued on in my daily life. Throughout high school, I stayed fairly distant from God. I was too busy. I couldn’t work during the school week due to extracurriculars, so I picked up shifts on Wednesdays and the weekends. The summer after my junior year, that began to change. I left the small group that I had been a part of for the first three years of high school to join a group that I felt more comfortable in. The female leader of that group, Heather, seemed to understand my personality and support my ambitions. In the Reformed church, we have a get-together every three years. Hundreds of students flood the YMCA of the Rockies. While at this conference, high school students experienced incredible revelations about their faith. After Rocky, I felt so on fire for Christ. Throughout my senior year, I attended small group every week, seeking to learn more about Christ. I felt as though I had a complete grasp on who He is and what my relationship with Him would look like.

Enter freshman year at the University of Sioux Falls: I have reverted to leaving God on the back burner. I attended my theology requirements with such a lack of enthusiasm, one would think I had never known God. I continued on in this way until I met one of my close friends, Elizabeth Enalls. She and I quickly became friends, spending all of our free time together. Elizabeth has had an incredible impact on my faith. Her faith so clearly invades every aspect of her life. I began to pick up on this and began to explore this idea.

Sophomore year, I really took hold of my faith. I began to hear God speaking to me. Now, I definitely ignored His voice plenty of times, quickly realizing this was not the best plan of action. After this realization, I prayed, “Lord I will listen to Your plan. I’m not sure how I’ll handle it for the time being --but I know it will only build into the story that you have so beautifully written for me. [...] I’ve had my whole life figured out since Day 1. And now I’m wavering. I feel as though you’re telling me that I need to let go of my plans and allow you to change my plans.” At that time, I could not have comprehended what God was about to do in my life. I began to hear God’s voice consistently. God would tell me to talk to someone and I would ignore it - this quickly became a pattern. One night I had heard God’s voice speaking to me, ignored it, and went to worship night. That evening, the speaker talked about obedience. So, I began to process what that would look like in my own life. Grudgingly, I went and followed through on what God said I had to do. This pattern continued throughout the school year. I grew incredibly close to God through worship. I felt closest to God as I was singing praise to Him. Slowly, I began to feel this closeness fade. I was unsure of what that meant. I felt incredibly discouraged. I, at one point, had felt so close to God. I had heard him speak into my life. I was seeing him move my mountains. But then, all of that seemed to stop. I no longer felt immersed in the worship services that I attended. I was standing there singing, but felt no connection to any of the lyrics. I began to avoid going to worship night. I tried to remedy this distance by attending different church services. I tried almost every kind of worship I could think to do. Nothing seemed to be working.

One night, I was sitting in the Sullivan prayer room, journaling about my daily life. I was wallowing in my frustration at the distance that I felt from God. I felt an overwhelming sense of questioning. I began to question so many different aspects of my life, the main question being my major. I had been questioning my major for about seven months, but this was the night that it all came crashing down. I reached out to those around me, asking them to give me verses on trust. In return, I was led to Proverbs 3:5-7 and 26, Proverbs 19:20-21, and Proverbs 21:30. After having those verses dropped in my lap, it seemed unavoidable to listen to God’s plan. After a lot of conversation with God, I decided to give my life plans to Him. This was incredibly scary for me. I have had my life planned out since I was in second grade, down to the town I would be teaching in. But I was not enjoying any of the courses that I was in, the practicums I was a part of, nor was I completing any of the tasks necessary to enter the education program. I made the decision to listen to the Lord’s plan. I switched my major and fully surrendered those plans to the Lord. After that decision was made, I felt such an intense wave of peace rush over me. Looking back, it seems unbelievable how easily I ditched all the prior plans that I had made. I was a planner to the deepest extent. But the moment that I spoke out loud that I was changing my major, I felt such a feeling of assurance wash over me. There is no way that I would have come about this decision on my own. But I think due to the distance that I felt prior to this, I was so ready to hear anything that the Lord had in store for me.

After making the decision to allow God to guide my decisions, it was not all rainbows and butterflies. Those around me seemed to question this decision. Prior to this situation, my faith was not something that I broadcasted. I did not bring it up in conversation, nor did I base my decisions off of it. After I switched my major, I faced a lot of questioning. I faced a lack of support. This was incredibly difficult. Because I was so introspective during my time of major-questioning, this change came as a huge surprise to those around me. I had not discussed it with anyone. As far as they knew, I was going to teach English or direct a choir. Due to the surprise, those around me did not know how to react. Which lead to me leaning into my relationship with Christ. Not only did my lack of support lead to that growth, but I also saw no reason as to why I should avoid deepening that relationship. God had shown me a direct path. He had given me the peace that I so desperately was needing. Since then, I have continued to lean into Christ’s never-changing presence.

During that time of transition, I learned a lot. I realized that I had been putting way too much emphasis on what those around me expected of my life. I was living a life that followed the ways of the world rather than the ways of God. Granted, some of the expectations that those around me upheld did have good intentions. While there were good intentions behind these expectations, I still felt suffocated by them. Some of my greatest fears in life were based off of the fear of letting those around me down. One of my biggest fears was that I would be unable to have children. Through the process of learning to listen to God’s plan, I realized that I could let go of the plans others had for me. I released that pressure and came to the conclusion that I don’t necessarily want to have kids. That eliminated one of my biggest fears, purely by giving that plan to God. I felt so free. I no longer was held captive by the plans the world held for me. I began to listen to God’s plan.

After this experience, I have still gone through some major struggles, times that I felt incredibly distant from God. But God has surrounded me with a community that continually directs me back to Him. I feel as though I am constantly learning, constantly struggling, but always growing deeper into my relationship with God.

My life plans have been drastically altered. My plans as of now (still up in the air - as God sees fit) are to pursue a Master’s Degree in Christian Counseling and Christian Leadership. After accomplishing that, I hope to achieve a doctorate in Psychology. Once I’ve achieved those degrees, I hope to host Christian women’s retreats. These retreats will be a time of refreshment and refocus. I love the idea of walking through this life, fervently pursuing Christ together. I have started to work towards this goal by beginning a blog titled: let’s journey together. Though there are several times when I feel discouraged, I have hope that God will walk me through whatever I must go through in order to fulfill His purpose for me. To think that I started this journey so many years ago, but I have not felt a real relationship with God until the past few years seems crazy. But the growth that I have gone through recently only makes me so much more excited to experience the years ahead.